yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
