did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Someone shattered a urinal.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
