Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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