my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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