he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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