Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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