Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Damn victory sex feels great
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