I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
