the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
