my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
