I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
