smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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