Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
