hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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