If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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