the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
