I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
