so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
