If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
