I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
