how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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