how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
