What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
