The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
