My balls are so social today.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
