you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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