Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
