I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
