She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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