five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
