Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
