You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
