We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
