Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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