May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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