Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
