Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
