i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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