weddingsv make me drug and hornr
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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