I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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