Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
