I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
