just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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