Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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