So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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