Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
