Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
