i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
