He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
