You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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