The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
