my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
